un petit mot

briefly..

in my future home i WILL have a shower.
am i the only one who cried during Obama's inauguration?
administrative things are too complicated (mostly banking)
paris is teasing me.
it is difficult to make friends.
my teeth hurt.
i am a mixture of overwhelmed and elated.
creativity is itching to be used. stay tuned.

much love.

oh, you know, just an update from paris

i don't even know where to begin!
there is so much to write about..

oh well. might as well jump right into it. i've got some wine at my side, and some nat king cole on vinyl playing in the background, so this is about to be a very pleasant evening spent writing, relaying my adventures.

i suppose i should start with the flights over here to la belle france. the plane from cleveland to chicago was the tiniest contraption i have ever seen, but somehow it flew and got me to o'hare. i was sitting next to a very blonde german girl (whose boyfriend is from ravenna, weird) and we spent the 50 minute flight talking about europe, and languages, and exchange rates, and schools, and i have an invitation to munich which i might just have to take up. o'hare has starbucks around every corner, and is actually a very cool airport. i enjoyed my two hour layover there immensely. especially all the artworks. and, before i knew it, it was time to board the plane for france!

when i found my seat, i was very excited to see that i was sitting next to a pretty cute french guy. he had his ipod headphones in, though, so i just figured we'd exchange our life stories and fall in love later. but he never took them out. in fact, he may have been the weirdest seatmate i have ever encountered. he was either listening to french house music very loudly, or watching movies. i'm pretty sure he didn't sleep during the entire flight. when the flight attendants came by with drink #1, dinner, drink #2, breakfast, and drink #3, he simply waved his hand and shook his head no. he didn't eat a thing. oh except drink #3, i suppose. the flight attendant was ready to move on after i had (very nicely) asked for an orange juice, but mr. crabby french guy yelled "JUS D'ORANGE!" right in my ear, and after the flight attendant had recovered from his shock, gave him his sole nourishment during the eight hour flight. weird, right?

i exited the plane and i was in FRANCE. but of course i couldn't really think about that because my body was in full-on survival mode, and before i knew it i had made it through customs, through baggage claim, through the AirFrance bus, and was at the gare de lyon, frantically calling jess to see if she was in her studio apartment to help me with my luggage. when i couldn't get through to her, i sat down on a bench and was immediately accosted by some very friendly pigeons. i hate pigeons. but i dealt with it because i had made it all the way there all by myself. the gare de lyon (a train station) is beautiful (i really just love all of the architecture here). as i was looking around, i couldn't stop smiling. i'm here. i made it.

what have i done since then?

i haven't been here a full week yet, and yet i feel like so much has been going on. after that first night at jess's (so many s-es. s's? geez. i'm done trying) i moved into the FIAP, a youth hostel, for a couple of nights with the rest of NYU in Paris! i've been meeting so many people and i can't really get the names straight. it's a little overwhelming. but so far, everyone seems really cool. okay, not everyone. but there are a lot of people that i would like to become great friends with, which is always good. it's always good to be surrounded by intelligent, inspiring folk.

i got a 'Navigo,' which is basically a high-tech version of a re-fillable weekly/monthly metro card. it has a nifty little smart chip on it that is scanned at the subway entrances. i can even put it at the bottom of my purse and set my purse on the scanner. that's how cool these french people are. so anyway, this Navigo is rather pricey for my liking, which just means that i will have to get out and explore this city from top to bottom and all around too. (side note: everything here is rather pricey for my liking. think new york prices, and then convert that to euros. i feel like i'm spending so much here. and on what? i'm really going to have to start babysitting like a fiend. or find some other means of cash flow).

anyway, i guess where i was going with all that Navigo speak was that i became very familiar with the 6 train, as i had to take it about three or four times a day, from to FIAP to the NYU center, and back again. the NYU center is in the very ritzy 16th arrondissement, at 56 rue de Passy, which is actually an entire complex hidden behind a great big set of blue double doors. i feel strange describing it as "charming," and "quaint," but that's really what it is. a very Parisian mansion, plus a converted stable, and an apartment make for about 6 or 7 classrooms for the 150 of us. i'll put pictures up soon! we've met all the directors, and student life leaders, and all of that, and it's really just like being in one big family. with lots of matriarchs. i really think it's going to be a great semester. now i just need to decide what classes i'm taking....

so that's the school part. what about everything else?

it really just hit me today that i'm actually living here, instead of just on vacation. and that is probably because i moved into my apartment this afternoon. yes, apartment. i am living all by my lonesome in an enormous apartment literally a 10-minute walk from school. apparently the demand for homestays exceeded the supply, so i am in an apartment. which just means that i am going to have to try harder in order to put myself in real, live, french-speaking situations. but that's totally okay, because one of my overall goals for this semester was to get out of my comfort zone. this just maximizes the need. NYU has this exchange thing with students from other universities in paris (real French ones) where you meet with someone for an hour or two each week, and spend half the time speaking in french and half the time speaking in english, to improve language skills. i think i'll probably do that. maybe take some dance classes. who knows. the opportunities are endless!!

okay i'll stop sounding like a motivational poster.

the apartment is huge. too big for little old me. 52 square meters....let's convert that. 559.723 square feet. that's a lot of square footage for faustyna. a family room, a dining room, a bedroom, a tiny tiny kitchen, a toilet, and a bathroom. plus a complicated hallway network. pictures of that coming soon too. although maybe i'll just post those on facebook. i'll think about it. the apartment is full of antiques, and vinyl records, and i really think that it will be a good place to be (although i will mostly be out exploring all the time anyway). the only bad thing is that it's on the rez-de-chaussé (the ground floor) which means that my windows open out right onto the street. that's what shutters are for, but it's kind of awkward when they're open and people are walking by. oh well. if that's my only qualm.. oh and also since i'm on the ground floor, the musée de l'homme is my view. if i was one floor up (or if the museum wasn't there) i would have a perfect view of the eiffel tower. i'll post photos of my morning commute as well, so everyone can feast his/her eyes.

i'm not really sure what else to write about.
it will come to me later. and i will write later.
now it is time for bed.

bonsoir, paris. bonsoir, tout le monde!

i should be packing..

when did it get to be january? i just realized a couple days ago that i will be out of the country in a mere week. that blows my mind. it feels like the semester just ended. wait..it doesn't even feel like it ended. it feels like i'm going back to new york city tomorrow and everything will be the same. but of course, it won't. i'm actually going to paris in a few days. and nothing will be the same.

i guess i should write some reflections about last semester, or last year even. maybe comment on what i've learned and how i've grown. that doesn't sound like too much fun, because i'm not really sure what i think about everything yet. i haven't really been able to turn things over in my mind as i usually do, because this break has been so unorthodox.

so i'll keep it short. last semester was an interesting one, to say the least. high highs and low lows. you learn a lot, living with people. about yourself, about others, about life in general. i have learned to not take things at face value. to not judge before i am made aware of the entire situation. to not be so passive-aggressive (i'm working on it). i wish i wouldn't have been so comfortable in my, well, comfort zone. i wish that i had studied more for physics. but it doesn't make sense to wish i had done things. i lived, i learned, now i take what i know and i apply it to this coming semester.

but before i write about my goals and dreams for paris, i should ruminate a bit about this so-called break: how people have changed, how akron's changed, how i've changed relative to all that, and things of that nature. although i suppose that's rather difficult without being specific.

in general, akron ohio makes me sad. i came home and the movie theater closed. the dinner theatre closed. the recession is rearing its ugly head here. yet graydon carter's most recent editorial in vanity fair mentioned that the Great Depression ended up being a great creative era in regards to music, film, photography. so perhaps akron just isn't interested in being culturally aware. akron's idea of entertainment is tivo, or beer pong, depending on your age group. other than that, akron makes me sad because it never changes. the people here never change. how can they, anyway, since they've never left? i don't know what i was expecting.

but i must say that i have been pleasantly surprised (yet again) by (most of) my friends here. i love snuggling and watching planet earth and the history channel, something so "nerdy" that i would have been embarrassed to admit that's how i spent my evening, in high school. i love coming home and sitting at the cafés for hours and hours, having discussions with people that i barely even talked to in high school. and no longer is petty gossip what makes the conversations so appealing and long. that makes me so happy. i love being able to discuss philosophical, psychological, even theological themes with such intelligent and interesting people. i would even say that many of my friends in akron impress me more than many i've met in new york city. i love being surrounded by inspiring people. i only hope that i can be inspiring to someone, someday.

okay. enough. let's talk about paris.
paris paris paris paris paris.

i can't believe that i'm going to be living in paris for four months. much like i couldn't believe that i would be going to school in new york city. i guess i'm taking the big cities of the world by storm; conquering them one by one. i have such great hopes for this trip. i definitely feel that it will have a huge influence on my life even if i don't accomplish all the things i would like to. i mean, come on, i'm going to have to rely on myself so much more than usual. i am going to be in a completely new environment, surrounded by a language whose intricacies remain foreign to me, or, at the very least, rather rusty. i'm going to be experiencing a culture so different from the american way of life. can i come out of it unscathed? what will i find out about myself? about life? traveling always inspires revelations. i cannot wait. i cannot wait to be able to explore and to walk the streets where there is so much history, and so much beauty.

i plan on making lots of mistakes. i have always been so afraid of messing up, of being slightly less than perfect, and i want to let go of that a little bit. mistakes are a good way to learn. i plan on forcing myself out of my comfort zone. i plan on making some "real" French friends. i plan on getting lost and finding my way back without worrying, rather, while reveling in the experience. i want to take a train without planning and see where i end up, although i fear that may be a little too out of character. i plan on traveling all over europe. we'll see how far i can stretch what little money i have to work with. i plan on taking lots of pictures to remember this trip by. i plan to be less attached to this black macbook, as much as i love my baby. i plan to read more: in french and in english. newspapers and books. i plan to speak up more. to take advantage of all the opportunities that are literally being thrown at me.

i plan to write more. so stay tuned.

next installment from paris...

dream catcher

i've been having really vivid dreams lately, which is surprising, as normally (well, up until three weeks ago, anyway) i could sleep the whole night through and not remember a thing. i'm sure i was dreaming then--don't we always?--i just never remembered them. nothing significant. but lately...lately!

it all started with a dream about forgetting my shoes and having to perform onstage barefoot. of course, since i'm a nerd and i do enjoy kooky things like astrology and dream interpretation, i ran to the computer as soon as i woke up to see what the 'experts' had to say: forgetting my shoes means feeling unprepared in some aspects of my life. great, i thought, just in time for finals.

i then had some dreams about men turning into little boys and motorcycles exploding, and i do know what they mean, but blogspot is not the place for that.

i just woke up from a particularly interesting dream. everything in the dream had the quality of a polaroid photo--sort of yellowy, grainy vintage. i've never had a dream like that. it was me and some unidentified friends speeding down the brooklyn bridge, and commenting on how long it was. it was super long. the part of the bridge right before we entered manhattan was draped in chains of sunflowers. we kept speeding. we kept speeding right on into an abandoned warehouse, which actually happened to be 'space mountain' for cars. which was one of the coolest/scariest things ever.

i don't know what that all means yet; i'm about to find out. but as i've been learning in media crit, dreams are signs from the Id: the repressed part of my psyche. what's going on, Id? what do you want from me?

the semester's over, but i'll write about that when i get home and have time to reflect. right now i just need to be in the city and be with my friends and try to please my Id.

it's been a while

i haven't written in two months. it's not that i haven't had anything to say. i'm pretty sure that once i get into it, i'll have plenty to say. or, at the very least, i'll ramble for a little while. it's also not that i haven't had the time. i could give many excuses about midterms and crazy schedules and whatnot, but when it comes down to it, i do indeed have the time to write. i'm not sure why i haven't written. i've certainly thought about it.

today is thanksgiving, and i am "home" alone. i made an ambitious to-do list, but, as always, nothing has gotten done. instead, i have wasted today away by reading past blog entries and flipping through page after page of facebook photos. in short, i have been reminiscing today.

i used to write a lot, back in high school. i certainly had a lot of thoughts about life in the present, and emotions, and what things were going to be like in the future. but now, now that "it's all happening," as the title of my blog suggests, now i have nothing to write? it makes no sense.

so let's see if i can get into this.

the semester is winding down, and it is a little bittersweet. it has been an interesting semester, to say the least. a bit rough at points, in regards to things that nobody could control and things we could. classes weren't inspiring, except for one, which made working and studying and going beyond that much harder. yet there have been extremely good moments too: i have seen two wonderful concerts this semester, have managed to retain and develop my friendships, and so far, my preparations for my future here at NYU are going well.

i'll be going to paris in the spring, and i can't even begin to describe how excited i am! i think i need a change of environment. an expansion of my horizons. i want to soak up life. this kind of makes me sound like i'm taking my opportunities here in new york city for granted. i mean, a lot of people from back home would say the same things (expansion of horizons, soaking up life) about going away to nyc. i don't take new york for granted. i don't think so, anyway. i have just always felt a sense of belonging, in paris, and i feel like there is some sort of self-awakening moment to be had when i get there. i want to travel. i want to be a vagabond, for a while. i have been doing some soul-searching, lately, and i feel like i'm in this crucial in-between stage in my life. i think being abroad will help me find some answers about myself and about life. not to mention, i'm also very excited to eat nutella for every meal..

i am also in the middle of an RA leadership institute, which is basically a three-week long interview process to see if i would make a good RA, for next year. it's been pretty intense; we have discussed concepts such as ethics, or values, or identity--concepts that are so abstract to me, concepts that i don't think about on a daily basis. it has been eye-opening, and very interesting. and also kind of dampening: the fact that i do not really hold strong opinions was reaffirmed again, and i don't know what to do about that. i mean, maybe it's a good thing that i am able to see the good in all opinions; the fact that i am very moderate and non-judgmental would probably make me a good RA. but at the same time i feel like i should strongly believe in the values i hold, at least. perhaps it's just the fact that i don't think about these things that often...

i have been reading a lot, lately, and it's been really nice. everything is illuminated and the bell jar have been added to my favorites list. i like that they make me think. seems like i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. not a bad thing :]

i have also been listening to classical music lately. it's funny that i only listen to classical music when it gets cold outside. but every time i do listen to it, i fall in love with it all over again. it's so beautiful, and it makes me miss making beautiful music. it makes me want to be sitting at home, in front of my fireplace, lost in the dancing of the flames and the dancing of the notes inside my head.

clearly being alone for extended periods of time makes me slightly crazy.

a collection of sentences

so i'm in the shower watching the new york city grime wash off my feet in twisted black rivulets. my toenails are painted a bright purple, or fuschia--let me get the bottle--in stark contrast to the white white white of the bathtub. [bermuda shorts]

i'm inspired. i want to write a collection of sentences. something akin to poetry--but poetry just sounds strange when i write it. i sound like a poser. to write poetry you need to have soul. i'm just a little white girl.

white white white like the bathtub.

a droplet of water perches on my eyelash and quivers, obstructing my vision, until i blink and i can see again. what do i see? what do i want to write about?

i've been reading this book. it's not a bad read, all in all, but what i've noticed is that every so often there appears a sentence so poignant that it makes me wish i had the ability to write creatively. the book is dog-eared; i've bookmarked the pages whose quotes inspire me. the latest one:

"you expose yourself as much as possible, you absorb it, you forget most of it, but along the way it's changed you."

i'm exposing myself.
i'm walking a fine line.
don't push me-- i'm close.

my apologies for that brief poetic interlude.

i think that quote is a good metaphor for life, more specifically, for education. education in the sense of [no more pencils no more books no more teacher's dirty looks] but also in the sense of coming of age. i don't remember the particulars of the experiences that have made me into the homo sapiens sapiens i am today, but i do know that they have changed me.

it is also a good piece of advice. you have to expose yourself in order to grow as a person. putting yourself out there yields an evolution, a revolution.

you say you want a revolution?
well, you know
we all want to change the world

sometimes i feel like i haven't accomplished anything worthwhile in my life. i haven't stood up for a cause i believe in. i haven't saved the day. i'm nothing out of the ordinary. i'm just me, and i'm not a superstar. i'm not a martyr.

[i would just like to point out that i wanted to use the word vigilante in that sentence but it ended up not fitting when i looked it up the dictionary. yes. i actually physically thumbed through the dictionary to look up a word. the whole whirr-wham-bam-whizz-click thing that our world has become just isn't authentic anymore. perhaps that's why i'm not inspired]

i don't know.
perhaps i'll go take a shower and think of some more inspiring sentences.

pensées du jour

what is it about rain that inspires an upwelling of deeply philosophical thoughts? i only wish that my writing skills were able to adequately explain exactly what it is that is going through my brain.

but i haven't written in a while, so this is going to be interesting.

i have recently re-realized, if that makes any sense at all, that there is so much i don't know about life. i mean, i'm not saying that i ever believed i would know everything by the ripe old age of nineteen. certainly not. i'm not even sure that those folks teetering in rocking chairs on porches, spinning yarns of the good old days know absolutely everything there is to know. i'm just saying that it's a little disconcerting to realize that i pretend to know a lot, when in reality, i'm still a very naive little girl. 

when people are depressed, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i honestly do not think that i have ever been depressed. sure, there have been days here and there that aren't particularly sunny days. but to spin into a never-ending cycle of unhappiness? i have never gone through anything like that. i have been blessed with a great family and great friends, and i guess a strong and balanced mindset. i have also been blessed with a sense of empathy, which is what makes me want to try and relate to the problems that others are going through so that i can help them. i cannot relate to their depression- and then i feel like i cannot help them. but i try. boy i do try. and then i can't help but feel like a phony.

when people talk about politics, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i've been trying to become better informed about all this politics business, since the upcoming election is an extremely important one. i am interested in it, and i want to be passionate about it...but it is so complicated that i fear i will never be able to understand the concepts by which we are governed. i've also been reading barack's the audacity of hope, for clues that i hope will make me think critically about democracy (and what it's deteriorated into), but so far all i've managed to glean from it is that i really like the idea of non-partisan politics. whether that is even possible, i still have my doubts.

when people offer opinions about this issue or that issue, i nod, pretending i have an opinion of my own. i don't, usually. i don't think i've read enough to be able to really create an intelligent, well-informed opinion. sure, i have rough outlines of an opinion, but how much of that is actually something i myself believe, and how much is just an adopted version of something others said which sounded good? 

perhaps naïveté isn't a bad thing...it certainly keeps one protected.

but when the naïveté is realized, it's kind of jarring. realizing that i am play-acting my way through parts of my life isn't exactly a happy thought. 

i don't know.

i really just want to write.

i feel so creatively stifled lately.

i'm going to go write a story.