dream catcher

i've been having really vivid dreams lately, which is surprising, as normally (well, up until three weeks ago, anyway) i could sleep the whole night through and not remember a thing. i'm sure i was dreaming then--don't we always?--i just never remembered them. nothing significant. but lately...lately!

it all started with a dream about forgetting my shoes and having to perform onstage barefoot. of course, since i'm a nerd and i do enjoy kooky things like astrology and dream interpretation, i ran to the computer as soon as i woke up to see what the 'experts' had to say: forgetting my shoes means feeling unprepared in some aspects of my life. great, i thought, just in time for finals.

i then had some dreams about men turning into little boys and motorcycles exploding, and i do know what they mean, but blogspot is not the place for that.

i just woke up from a particularly interesting dream. everything in the dream had the quality of a polaroid photo--sort of yellowy, grainy vintage. i've never had a dream like that. it was me and some unidentified friends speeding down the brooklyn bridge, and commenting on how long it was. it was super long. the part of the bridge right before we entered manhattan was draped in chains of sunflowers. we kept speeding. we kept speeding right on into an abandoned warehouse, which actually happened to be 'space mountain' for cars. which was one of the coolest/scariest things ever.

i don't know what that all means yet; i'm about to find out. but as i've been learning in media crit, dreams are signs from the Id: the repressed part of my psyche. what's going on, Id? what do you want from me?

the semester's over, but i'll write about that when i get home and have time to reflect. right now i just need to be in the city and be with my friends and try to please my Id.

it's been a while

i haven't written in two months. it's not that i haven't had anything to say. i'm pretty sure that once i get into it, i'll have plenty to say. or, at the very least, i'll ramble for a little while. it's also not that i haven't had the time. i could give many excuses about midterms and crazy schedules and whatnot, but when it comes down to it, i do indeed have the time to write. i'm not sure why i haven't written. i've certainly thought about it.

today is thanksgiving, and i am "home" alone. i made an ambitious to-do list, but, as always, nothing has gotten done. instead, i have wasted today away by reading past blog entries and flipping through page after page of facebook photos. in short, i have been reminiscing today.

i used to write a lot, back in high school. i certainly had a lot of thoughts about life in the present, and emotions, and what things were going to be like in the future. but now, now that "it's all happening," as the title of my blog suggests, now i have nothing to write? it makes no sense.

so let's see if i can get into this.

the semester is winding down, and it is a little bittersweet. it has been an interesting semester, to say the least. a bit rough at points, in regards to things that nobody could control and things we could. classes weren't inspiring, except for one, which made working and studying and going beyond that much harder. yet there have been extremely good moments too: i have seen two wonderful concerts this semester, have managed to retain and develop my friendships, and so far, my preparations for my future here at NYU are going well.

i'll be going to paris in the spring, and i can't even begin to describe how excited i am! i think i need a change of environment. an expansion of my horizons. i want to soak up life. this kind of makes me sound like i'm taking my opportunities here in new york city for granted. i mean, a lot of people from back home would say the same things (expansion of horizons, soaking up life) about going away to nyc. i don't take new york for granted. i don't think so, anyway. i have just always felt a sense of belonging, in paris, and i feel like there is some sort of self-awakening moment to be had when i get there. i want to travel. i want to be a vagabond, for a while. i have been doing some soul-searching, lately, and i feel like i'm in this crucial in-between stage in my life. i think being abroad will help me find some answers about myself and about life. not to mention, i'm also very excited to eat nutella for every meal..

i am also in the middle of an RA leadership institute, which is basically a three-week long interview process to see if i would make a good RA, for next year. it's been pretty intense; we have discussed concepts such as ethics, or values, or identity--concepts that are so abstract to me, concepts that i don't think about on a daily basis. it has been eye-opening, and very interesting. and also kind of dampening: the fact that i do not really hold strong opinions was reaffirmed again, and i don't know what to do about that. i mean, maybe it's a good thing that i am able to see the good in all opinions; the fact that i am very moderate and non-judgmental would probably make me a good RA. but at the same time i feel like i should strongly believe in the values i hold, at least. perhaps it's just the fact that i don't think about these things that often...

i have been reading a lot, lately, and it's been really nice. everything is illuminated and the bell jar have been added to my favorites list. i like that they make me think. seems like i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. not a bad thing :]

i have also been listening to classical music lately. it's funny that i only listen to classical music when it gets cold outside. but every time i do listen to it, i fall in love with it all over again. it's so beautiful, and it makes me miss making beautiful music. it makes me want to be sitting at home, in front of my fireplace, lost in the dancing of the flames and the dancing of the notes inside my head.

clearly being alone for extended periods of time makes me slightly crazy.

a collection of sentences

so i'm in the shower watching the new york city grime wash off my feet in twisted black rivulets. my toenails are painted a bright purple, or fuschia--let me get the bottle--in stark contrast to the white white white of the bathtub. [bermuda shorts]

i'm inspired. i want to write a collection of sentences. something akin to poetry--but poetry just sounds strange when i write it. i sound like a poser. to write poetry you need to have soul. i'm just a little white girl.

white white white like the bathtub.

a droplet of water perches on my eyelash and quivers, obstructing my vision, until i blink and i can see again. what do i see? what do i want to write about?

i've been reading this book. it's not a bad read, all in all, but what i've noticed is that every so often there appears a sentence so poignant that it makes me wish i had the ability to write creatively. the book is dog-eared; i've bookmarked the pages whose quotes inspire me. the latest one:

"you expose yourself as much as possible, you absorb it, you forget most of it, but along the way it's changed you."

i'm exposing myself.
i'm walking a fine line.
don't push me-- i'm close.

my apologies for that brief poetic interlude.

i think that quote is a good metaphor for life, more specifically, for education. education in the sense of [no more pencils no more books no more teacher's dirty looks] but also in the sense of coming of age. i don't remember the particulars of the experiences that have made me into the homo sapiens sapiens i am today, but i do know that they have changed me.

it is also a good piece of advice. you have to expose yourself in order to grow as a person. putting yourself out there yields an evolution, a revolution.

you say you want a revolution?
well, you know
we all want to change the world

sometimes i feel like i haven't accomplished anything worthwhile in my life. i haven't stood up for a cause i believe in. i haven't saved the day. i'm nothing out of the ordinary. i'm just me, and i'm not a superstar. i'm not a martyr.

[i would just like to point out that i wanted to use the word vigilante in that sentence but it ended up not fitting when i looked it up the dictionary. yes. i actually physically thumbed through the dictionary to look up a word. the whole whirr-wham-bam-whizz-click thing that our world has become just isn't authentic anymore. perhaps that's why i'm not inspired]

i don't know.
perhaps i'll go take a shower and think of some more inspiring sentences.

pensées du jour

what is it about rain that inspires an upwelling of deeply philosophical thoughts? i only wish that my writing skills were able to adequately explain exactly what it is that is going through my brain.

but i haven't written in a while, so this is going to be interesting.

i have recently re-realized, if that makes any sense at all, that there is so much i don't know about life. i mean, i'm not saying that i ever believed i would know everything by the ripe old age of nineteen. certainly not. i'm not even sure that those folks teetering in rocking chairs on porches, spinning yarns of the good old days know absolutely everything there is to know. i'm just saying that it's a little disconcerting to realize that i pretend to know a lot, when in reality, i'm still a very naive little girl. 

when people are depressed, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i honestly do not think that i have ever been depressed. sure, there have been days here and there that aren't particularly sunny days. but to spin into a never-ending cycle of unhappiness? i have never gone through anything like that. i have been blessed with a great family and great friends, and i guess a strong and balanced mindset. i have also been blessed with a sense of empathy, which is what makes me want to try and relate to the problems that others are going through so that i can help them. i cannot relate to their depression- and then i feel like i cannot help them. but i try. boy i do try. and then i can't help but feel like a phony.

when people talk about politics, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i've been trying to become better informed about all this politics business, since the upcoming election is an extremely important one. i am interested in it, and i want to be passionate about it...but it is so complicated that i fear i will never be able to understand the concepts by which we are governed. i've also been reading barack's the audacity of hope, for clues that i hope will make me think critically about democracy (and what it's deteriorated into), but so far all i've managed to glean from it is that i really like the idea of non-partisan politics. whether that is even possible, i still have my doubts.

when people offer opinions about this issue or that issue, i nod, pretending i have an opinion of my own. i don't, usually. i don't think i've read enough to be able to really create an intelligent, well-informed opinion. sure, i have rough outlines of an opinion, but how much of that is actually something i myself believe, and how much is just an adopted version of something others said which sounded good? 

perhaps naïveté isn't a bad thing...it certainly keeps one protected.

but when the naïveté is realized, it's kind of jarring. realizing that i am play-acting my way through parts of my life isn't exactly a happy thought. 

i don't know.

i really just want to write.

i feel so creatively stifled lately.

i'm going to go write a story.

on the eve of the rest of my life

i thought i'd start off with a nice, philosophical title. 

i'm sitting here in summit, new jersey, with the sounds of olympic beach volleyball behind me. my parents are re-living their past memories with some old college friends, just as i will be creating memories with my new college friends in just a few short hours. and just as i reflect on the memories of this summer.

i was absolutely despondent upon leaving new york for the summer. the morning that my parents came to pick me up, i could not stop crying. it's strange how that happens--you become inseparable with people who just a few short months ago were complete strangers. i didn't want to go back to the midwest, which i had been describing as a wasteland, basically.

but this summer actually turned out to be one of the best i've had thus far, if not the best. sure, i was working seven days a week for the great majority of the summer. true, 8:00 AM was considered "sleeping in." of course, i didn't get to lay poolside and slowly toast to a nice golden brown. but all the positives outweighed those inconveniences. i don't even know where to begin.

a list will suffice.

-nancy and lauren come to visit! this week encompasses multiple bonfires, trips to swenson's (and my last meat...ever), the jack johnson concert, and an adventure up north to cedar point. millenium force? consider me hooked.

-adrian comes to visit! these two weeks were probably the best of the entire summer. being complete loons on the fourth of july? priceless. biking twenty miles in the pouring rain? surprisingly exhilarating. being constantly with my best friends in the world? amazing. i am so grateful for my friendships with these wonderfully kooky, completely driven, uber-talented people. 

-dave matthews band concert! oh man. this was absolutely incredible to see live. and i love the experience of an outdoor concert: there is such an overwhelming sense of unity when the entire audience is jamming and dancing and throwing up peace signs and loving life. of course, camping out at the lake afterwards didn't hurt either. 

-perseid's meteor shower! can you say hot tub, bonfire, and falling asleep outside after watching shooting star after shooting star zip across the night sky? brilliant. absolutely brilliant.

...and those are just the highlights. 

this has definitely been a summer to remember.

it's weird to write that in the past tense, because it still feels like summer. and, i guess, it really still is summer. school doesn't start til september 2nd. but the fact that i am already here in joysey, on the brink of moving in and being a new yorker again, just gave summer some closure. 

this is going to be a crucial year for me, and really, a very crucial semester. there are so many things i have to take care of in these four months in the city. i basically have to secure my future at NYU through, namely, RA applications and study abroad applications. 

but that shouldn't be too big of a deal.

what is going to be a big deal is finding a passion.

there are so many things that i am interested in, there are so many things that i dabble in, there are so many things that i am good at. but i do not excel in that one thing, there is no one thing that i am passionate about and that drives me to do great things. and i need to find that passion and apply it to my life.

i need to be inspired so that i can inspire others.

beginnings

well, here i am.
a blank page to write on.
starting over.

new thoughts, new experiences.

i missed writing.
i miss having an outlet for my musings.

i think i get frustrated by the fact that words will never do justice to the experiences themselves. trying--and failing-- to capture reality is something i am very good at. take photography, for example. i am never satisfied with the photos i take because looking at the real thing is so much better. so that makes me wonder: can reality ever be transposed into a different medium, a medium through which reality can be remembered?

this is going to have to work.
i have so much going for me..
and i can't stand to forget any of it.

stay tuned.