Saucy

this is what happens when you search "sauce" on pinterest

There’s an expression in Polish that my mother likes to use when describing feeling out of sorts: “nie w sosie.” Translated literally, this means “not in the sauce.”

Guys. I am not in the sauce.

All of January has been this way. Gray, and cold, and bland. Sauce-less. This week has been particularly bad, and today, after wasting countless hours on Pinterest trying to find quotes emo enough to tweet, and on Spotify wishing that some lyricist would provide me with insight into my own ravaged soul, I finally decided: enough is enough.

So I laced up my boots and I went for a walk. And I decided to walk until I felt okay again.

This is the story of what happened on that walk.

Or rather, it is the story of what happened in my head on that walk.

There were two quotes running through my head as my boots pounded the pavement: one from The Perks of Being a Wallflower (“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be”), and the other from Garden State (“That's life. If nothing else, It's life. It's real, and sometimes it fuckin' hurts, but it's sort of all we have”). First of all, yes, I do in fact realize that those are both indie/hipster favorites and maybe that makes me a little bit overly Brooklyn. Second of all, how those writers were able to harness the insecurities, emotions and that terrible uncertainty that constitute being young and to word everything so concisely and perfectly is beyond me.

Clearly, being concise is not one of my strong suits.

Being young, being a twenty-something, learning how to figure things out...it’s hard. It’s really fucking hard. I don’t want to whine and complain because a) that will make me more of an annoyingly privileged hipster than you already think I am, and b) what’s the point?

Ah, but I think that last part is the whole problem, to begin with.

What’s the point of applying for other jobs, if I already have one? What’s the point of getting another job just to see if that will be more fulfilling and make me happier, if there’s no guarantee? What’s the point of going to grad school, if I’m not even entirely sure that it would be to study what I’m actually interested in? What’s the point of spending time to figure out what it is I’m interested in enough to study it, since it will probably change again in six months?  What’s the point of doing anything, really, since everything is probably going to change again in six months?

What’s the point of opening up to someone and hoping that he likes you back enough to keep being with you despite his own questions, when chances are you’ll just get really confused and more than a little bit sad? What’s the point of hoping and imagining and expecting when really nothing ever happens the way you want it to happen in your head? What’s the point of liking someone so much that it makes you question all of the other choices you’re making, when those choices are already so convoluted in the first place because YOU’RE TWENTY FUCKING THREE YEARS OLD AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK HE’S DOING?!!?!

Et cetera. As you can probably tell, this was a pretty long walk.

Apparently, getting our hopes up is one of the bravest things we can do. Apparently, the “point” of all of this--and by this, I mean life--is just that: figuring it out. Life means figuring things out. Some people are just a little more sure of themselves than others, but in the end, we’re all on the road. Moving towards an unknown and unpredictable future. I’m going to continue to be terribly unoriginal and throw another quote at you guys, this one from Finding Nemo (that hipster classic): “Just keep swimming.”

But as I neared home, two hours into my search for clarity, something happened that, if I were a woman who believes in signs from the Universe, would have been Very Significant. A dog without a leash ran up next to me, then slowed and matched my pace. We locked eyes, and a deep understanding passed between us as we kept moving. From behind, his owner called, “Joe! Stay.” And the dog stayed.

I think I need someone to tell me to stay. Or maybe I just need to tell myself. FAUSTYNA. STAY. Stay here, slow down, be in the present. Stop worrying, enjoy where you are, enjoy the moment.

Everything is going to be fine.

reflections and resolutions

pinned from Pink It via Pinterest

I feel as though I should be doing some sort of writing warm-ups right now, in preparation for my first blog post since February of last year. Cranial calisthenics? Brain ballet?

All of this alliteration is already making my head hurt.

A few weeks ago, at dinner with a friend, we got on the subject of what it means to be an adult. Thanks to those two--okay, four--glasses of wine, things got pretty philosophical pretty quickly. Is "adulthood" a level that is achieved (as if this is a game!) when financial independence is won? Is it a state of mind that you never need to adopt, if you don't want to? Is it simply becoming less naive about the ways the world works? Shouldering more responsibilities and being held accountable for your actions and emotions?

Whatever it means, the path to adulthood is one that is full of ups and downs. Full of thoughts and realizations. Lots of questions, very few answers. Turns out everyone is kind of flying by the seat of his or her pants.

In 2012, I definitely flew by the seat of my pants. It was a year full of ups and downs, of thoughts and realizations, of questions and not so many answers.

2012 started in Amsterdam, surrounded by fireworks and revelers. January and February were gray, and snowy, but filled with long hours at cafes with friends and lots of naps on my little sofa bed in middle-of-nowhere France. In March, I started making plans for my post-France career. Grad school? Jobs? All options were on the table. I thought I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life.

Perhaps I still am incredibly naive. To have things figured out at 23? Unheard of.

Anyway. April and May were full of travels--to Rome, to the Amalfi Coast, to Reims, to Paris. And back home again, just in time for a childhood friend's wedding. Friends got engaged, married, got pregnant and had babies. Friends also passed away--2012 saw four people who had incredibly positive impacts on my life go. It's not going to be the same without them.

The summer was spent in Ohio, dreaming up big ideas and never really following through on any of them. I cooked a lot, read a bit, and rediscovered my love for Akron in the summertime. In August, I moved back to New York. All of those carefully laid plans, created back in March, were shelved. Those carefully laid plans, that I was so sure of, suddenly became uncertain. Instead of making waves in the entertainment and marketing industries (more on those "failures" some other time), I was put in charge of coordinating special events and spearheading publicity for one of NYC's most highly anticipated restaurants.

The last few months of 2012 were perhaps the most emotionally tumultuous. Fears and insecurities about love and friendships and jobs were almost constant. Back in high school, I used to think that fears and insecurities would just magically disappear the day I turned 20. Early twenties meant confidence and assuredness.

I was wrong.

Early twenties mean having almost no idea what I'm currently doing, what I will be doing (or with whom!), and somehow having the strength to get out of bed every morning and face the uncertainties anyway. Like I said, flying by the seat of my pants. Somehow, things are still working out. Life has a funny way of doing that, I guess.

So, life in 2013...what will that be like?

I like to think that I do have at least a little bit of control over my life and what happens, so, without further ado, some resolutions, if you will.

I resolve to:
do more of what makes me happy
stick up for myself
take care of myself
be a better friend
become an expert on something
have more late night conversations with inspiring people
travel somewhere, anywhere

I resolve to chill the fuck out.
It's all happening, and it's all going to be fine.

Happy New Year, everyone.