reflections and resolutions

pinned from Pink It via Pinterest

I feel as though I should be doing some sort of writing warm-ups right now, in preparation for my first blog post since February of last year. Cranial calisthenics? Brain ballet?

All of this alliteration is already making my head hurt.

A few weeks ago, at dinner with a friend, we got on the subject of what it means to be an adult. Thanks to those two--okay, four--glasses of wine, things got pretty philosophical pretty quickly. Is "adulthood" a level that is achieved (as if this is a game!) when financial independence is won? Is it a state of mind that you never need to adopt, if you don't want to? Is it simply becoming less naive about the ways the world works? Shouldering more responsibilities and being held accountable for your actions and emotions?

Whatever it means, the path to adulthood is one that is full of ups and downs. Full of thoughts and realizations. Lots of questions, very few answers. Turns out everyone is kind of flying by the seat of his or her pants.

In 2012, I definitely flew by the seat of my pants. It was a year full of ups and downs, of thoughts and realizations, of questions and not so many answers.

2012 started in Amsterdam, surrounded by fireworks and revelers. January and February were gray, and snowy, but filled with long hours at cafes with friends and lots of naps on my little sofa bed in middle-of-nowhere France. In March, I started making plans for my post-France career. Grad school? Jobs? All options were on the table. I thought I had figured out what I wanted to do with my life.

Perhaps I still am incredibly naive. To have things figured out at 23? Unheard of.

Anyway. April and May were full of travels--to Rome, to the Amalfi Coast, to Reims, to Paris. And back home again, just in time for a childhood friend's wedding. Friends got engaged, married, got pregnant and had babies. Friends also passed away--2012 saw four people who had incredibly positive impacts on my life go. It's not going to be the same without them.

The summer was spent in Ohio, dreaming up big ideas and never really following through on any of them. I cooked a lot, read a bit, and rediscovered my love for Akron in the summertime. In August, I moved back to New York. All of those carefully laid plans, created back in March, were shelved. Those carefully laid plans, that I was so sure of, suddenly became uncertain. Instead of making waves in the entertainment and marketing industries (more on those "failures" some other time), I was put in charge of coordinating special events and spearheading publicity for one of NYC's most highly anticipated restaurants.

The last few months of 2012 were perhaps the most emotionally tumultuous. Fears and insecurities about love and friendships and jobs were almost constant. Back in high school, I used to think that fears and insecurities would just magically disappear the day I turned 20. Early twenties meant confidence and assuredness.

I was wrong.

Early twenties mean having almost no idea what I'm currently doing, what I will be doing (or with whom!), and somehow having the strength to get out of bed every morning and face the uncertainties anyway. Like I said, flying by the seat of my pants. Somehow, things are still working out. Life has a funny way of doing that, I guess.

So, life in 2013...what will that be like?

I like to think that I do have at least a little bit of control over my life and what happens, so, without further ado, some resolutions, if you will.

I resolve to:
do more of what makes me happy
stick up for myself
take care of myself
be a better friend
become an expert on something
have more late night conversations with inspiring people
travel somewhere, anywhere

I resolve to chill the fuck out.
It's all happening, and it's all going to be fine.

Happy New Year, everyone.