a collection of sentences

so i'm in the shower watching the new york city grime wash off my feet in twisted black rivulets. my toenails are painted a bright purple, or fuschia--let me get the bottle--in stark contrast to the white white white of the bathtub. [bermuda shorts]

i'm inspired. i want to write a collection of sentences. something akin to poetry--but poetry just sounds strange when i write it. i sound like a poser. to write poetry you need to have soul. i'm just a little white girl.

white white white like the bathtub.

a droplet of water perches on my eyelash and quivers, obstructing my vision, until i blink and i can see again. what do i see? what do i want to write about?

i've been reading this book. it's not a bad read, all in all, but what i've noticed is that every so often there appears a sentence so poignant that it makes me wish i had the ability to write creatively. the book is dog-eared; i've bookmarked the pages whose quotes inspire me. the latest one:

"you expose yourself as much as possible, you absorb it, you forget most of it, but along the way it's changed you."

i'm exposing myself.
i'm walking a fine line.
don't push me-- i'm close.

my apologies for that brief poetic interlude.

i think that quote is a good metaphor for life, more specifically, for education. education in the sense of [no more pencils no more books no more teacher's dirty looks] but also in the sense of coming of age. i don't remember the particulars of the experiences that have made me into the homo sapiens sapiens i am today, but i do know that they have changed me.

it is also a good piece of advice. you have to expose yourself in order to grow as a person. putting yourself out there yields an evolution, a revolution.

you say you want a revolution?
well, you know
we all want to change the world

sometimes i feel like i haven't accomplished anything worthwhile in my life. i haven't stood up for a cause i believe in. i haven't saved the day. i'm nothing out of the ordinary. i'm just me, and i'm not a superstar. i'm not a martyr.

[i would just like to point out that i wanted to use the word vigilante in that sentence but it ended up not fitting when i looked it up the dictionary. yes. i actually physically thumbed through the dictionary to look up a word. the whole whirr-wham-bam-whizz-click thing that our world has become just isn't authentic anymore. perhaps that's why i'm not inspired]

i don't know.
perhaps i'll go take a shower and think of some more inspiring sentences.

pensées du jour

what is it about rain that inspires an upwelling of deeply philosophical thoughts? i only wish that my writing skills were able to adequately explain exactly what it is that is going through my brain.

but i haven't written in a while, so this is going to be interesting.

i have recently re-realized, if that makes any sense at all, that there is so much i don't know about life. i mean, i'm not saying that i ever believed i would know everything by the ripe old age of nineteen. certainly not. i'm not even sure that those folks teetering in rocking chairs on porches, spinning yarns of the good old days know absolutely everything there is to know. i'm just saying that it's a little disconcerting to realize that i pretend to know a lot, when in reality, i'm still a very naive little girl. 

when people are depressed, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i honestly do not think that i have ever been depressed. sure, there have been days here and there that aren't particularly sunny days. but to spin into a never-ending cycle of unhappiness? i have never gone through anything like that. i have been blessed with a great family and great friends, and i guess a strong and balanced mindset. i have also been blessed with a sense of empathy, which is what makes me want to try and relate to the problems that others are going through so that i can help them. i cannot relate to their depression- and then i feel like i cannot help them. but i try. boy i do try. and then i can't help but feel like a phony.

when people talk about politics, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i've been trying to become better informed about all this politics business, since the upcoming election is an extremely important one. i am interested in it, and i want to be passionate about it...but it is so complicated that i fear i will never be able to understand the concepts by which we are governed. i've also been reading barack's the audacity of hope, for clues that i hope will make me think critically about democracy (and what it's deteriorated into), but so far all i've managed to glean from it is that i really like the idea of non-partisan politics. whether that is even possible, i still have my doubts.

when people offer opinions about this issue or that issue, i nod, pretending i have an opinion of my own. i don't, usually. i don't think i've read enough to be able to really create an intelligent, well-informed opinion. sure, i have rough outlines of an opinion, but how much of that is actually something i myself believe, and how much is just an adopted version of something others said which sounded good? 

perhaps naïveté isn't a bad thing...it certainly keeps one protected.

but when the naïveté is realized, it's kind of jarring. realizing that i am play-acting my way through parts of my life isn't exactly a happy thought. 

i don't know.

i really just want to write.

i feel so creatively stifled lately.

i'm going to go write a story.