pensées du jour

what is it about rain that inspires an upwelling of deeply philosophical thoughts? i only wish that my writing skills were able to adequately explain exactly what it is that is going through my brain.

but i haven't written in a while, so this is going to be interesting.

i have recently re-realized, if that makes any sense at all, that there is so much i don't know about life. i mean, i'm not saying that i ever believed i would know everything by the ripe old age of nineteen. certainly not. i'm not even sure that those folks teetering in rocking chairs on porches, spinning yarns of the good old days know absolutely everything there is to know. i'm just saying that it's a little disconcerting to realize that i pretend to know a lot, when in reality, i'm still a very naive little girl. 

when people are depressed, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i honestly do not think that i have ever been depressed. sure, there have been days here and there that aren't particularly sunny days. but to spin into a never-ending cycle of unhappiness? i have never gone through anything like that. i have been blessed with a great family and great friends, and i guess a strong and balanced mindset. i have also been blessed with a sense of empathy, which is what makes me want to try and relate to the problems that others are going through so that i can help them. i cannot relate to their depression- and then i feel like i cannot help them. but i try. boy i do try. and then i can't help but feel like a phony.

when people talk about politics, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i've been trying to become better informed about all this politics business, since the upcoming election is an extremely important one. i am interested in it, and i want to be passionate about it...but it is so complicated that i fear i will never be able to understand the concepts by which we are governed. i've also been reading barack's the audacity of hope, for clues that i hope will make me think critically about democracy (and what it's deteriorated into), but so far all i've managed to glean from it is that i really like the idea of non-partisan politics. whether that is even possible, i still have my doubts.

when people offer opinions about this issue or that issue, i nod, pretending i have an opinion of my own. i don't, usually. i don't think i've read enough to be able to really create an intelligent, well-informed opinion. sure, i have rough outlines of an opinion, but how much of that is actually something i myself believe, and how much is just an adopted version of something others said which sounded good? 

perhaps naïveté isn't a bad thing...it certainly keeps one protected.

but when the naïveté is realized, it's kind of jarring. realizing that i am play-acting my way through parts of my life isn't exactly a happy thought. 

i don't know.

i really just want to write.

i feel so creatively stifled lately.

i'm going to go write a story.