a collection of sentences

so i'm in the shower watching the new york city grime wash off my feet in twisted black rivulets. my toenails are painted a bright purple, or fuschia--let me get the bottle--in stark contrast to the white white white of the bathtub. [bermuda shorts]

i'm inspired. i want to write a collection of sentences. something akin to poetry--but poetry just sounds strange when i write it. i sound like a poser. to write poetry you need to have soul. i'm just a little white girl.

white white white like the bathtub.

a droplet of water perches on my eyelash and quivers, obstructing my vision, until i blink and i can see again. what do i see? what do i want to write about?

i've been reading this book. it's not a bad read, all in all, but what i've noticed is that every so often there appears a sentence so poignant that it makes me wish i had the ability to write creatively. the book is dog-eared; i've bookmarked the pages whose quotes inspire me. the latest one:

"you expose yourself as much as possible, you absorb it, you forget most of it, but along the way it's changed you."

i'm exposing myself.
i'm walking a fine line.
don't push me-- i'm close.

my apologies for that brief poetic interlude.

i think that quote is a good metaphor for life, more specifically, for education. education in the sense of [no more pencils no more books no more teacher's dirty looks] but also in the sense of coming of age. i don't remember the particulars of the experiences that have made me into the homo sapiens sapiens i am today, but i do know that they have changed me.

it is also a good piece of advice. you have to expose yourself in order to grow as a person. putting yourself out there yields an evolution, a revolution.

you say you want a revolution?
well, you know
we all want to change the world

sometimes i feel like i haven't accomplished anything worthwhile in my life. i haven't stood up for a cause i believe in. i haven't saved the day. i'm nothing out of the ordinary. i'm just me, and i'm not a superstar. i'm not a martyr.

[i would just like to point out that i wanted to use the word vigilante in that sentence but it ended up not fitting when i looked it up the dictionary. yes. i actually physically thumbed through the dictionary to look up a word. the whole whirr-wham-bam-whizz-click thing that our world has become just isn't authentic anymore. perhaps that's why i'm not inspired]

i don't know.
perhaps i'll go take a shower and think of some more inspiring sentences.

pensées du jour

what is it about rain that inspires an upwelling of deeply philosophical thoughts? i only wish that my writing skills were able to adequately explain exactly what it is that is going through my brain.

but i haven't written in a while, so this is going to be interesting.

i have recently re-realized, if that makes any sense at all, that there is so much i don't know about life. i mean, i'm not saying that i ever believed i would know everything by the ripe old age of nineteen. certainly not. i'm not even sure that those folks teetering in rocking chairs on porches, spinning yarns of the good old days know absolutely everything there is to know. i'm just saying that it's a little disconcerting to realize that i pretend to know a lot, when in reality, i'm still a very naive little girl. 

when people are depressed, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i honestly do not think that i have ever been depressed. sure, there have been days here and there that aren't particularly sunny days. but to spin into a never-ending cycle of unhappiness? i have never gone through anything like that. i have been blessed with a great family and great friends, and i guess a strong and balanced mindset. i have also been blessed with a sense of empathy, which is what makes me want to try and relate to the problems that others are going through so that i can help them. i cannot relate to their depression- and then i feel like i cannot help them. but i try. boy i do try. and then i can't help but feel like a phony.

when people talk about politics, i pretend to "get" it. i don't. i've been trying to become better informed about all this politics business, since the upcoming election is an extremely important one. i am interested in it, and i want to be passionate about it...but it is so complicated that i fear i will never be able to understand the concepts by which we are governed. i've also been reading barack's the audacity of hope, for clues that i hope will make me think critically about democracy (and what it's deteriorated into), but so far all i've managed to glean from it is that i really like the idea of non-partisan politics. whether that is even possible, i still have my doubts.

when people offer opinions about this issue or that issue, i nod, pretending i have an opinion of my own. i don't, usually. i don't think i've read enough to be able to really create an intelligent, well-informed opinion. sure, i have rough outlines of an opinion, but how much of that is actually something i myself believe, and how much is just an adopted version of something others said which sounded good? 

perhaps naïveté isn't a bad thing...it certainly keeps one protected.

but when the naïveté is realized, it's kind of jarring. realizing that i am play-acting my way through parts of my life isn't exactly a happy thought. 

i don't know.

i really just want to write.

i feel so creatively stifled lately.

i'm going to go write a story.

on the eve of the rest of my life

i thought i'd start off with a nice, philosophical title. 

i'm sitting here in summit, new jersey, with the sounds of olympic beach volleyball behind me. my parents are re-living their past memories with some old college friends, just as i will be creating memories with my new college friends in just a few short hours. and just as i reflect on the memories of this summer.

i was absolutely despondent upon leaving new york for the summer. the morning that my parents came to pick me up, i could not stop crying. it's strange how that happens--you become inseparable with people who just a few short months ago were complete strangers. i didn't want to go back to the midwest, which i had been describing as a wasteland, basically.

but this summer actually turned out to be one of the best i've had thus far, if not the best. sure, i was working seven days a week for the great majority of the summer. true, 8:00 AM was considered "sleeping in." of course, i didn't get to lay poolside and slowly toast to a nice golden brown. but all the positives outweighed those inconveniences. i don't even know where to begin.

a list will suffice.

-nancy and lauren come to visit! this week encompasses multiple bonfires, trips to swenson's (and my last meat...ever), the jack johnson concert, and an adventure up north to cedar point. millenium force? consider me hooked.

-adrian comes to visit! these two weeks were probably the best of the entire summer. being complete loons on the fourth of july? priceless. biking twenty miles in the pouring rain? surprisingly exhilarating. being constantly with my best friends in the world? amazing. i am so grateful for my friendships with these wonderfully kooky, completely driven, uber-talented people. 

-dave matthews band concert! oh man. this was absolutely incredible to see live. and i love the experience of an outdoor concert: there is such an overwhelming sense of unity when the entire audience is jamming and dancing and throwing up peace signs and loving life. of course, camping out at the lake afterwards didn't hurt either. 

-perseid's meteor shower! can you say hot tub, bonfire, and falling asleep outside after watching shooting star after shooting star zip across the night sky? brilliant. absolutely brilliant.

...and those are just the highlights. 

this has definitely been a summer to remember.

it's weird to write that in the past tense, because it still feels like summer. and, i guess, it really still is summer. school doesn't start til september 2nd. but the fact that i am already here in joysey, on the brink of moving in and being a new yorker again, just gave summer some closure. 

this is going to be a crucial year for me, and really, a very crucial semester. there are so many things i have to take care of in these four months in the city. i basically have to secure my future at NYU through, namely, RA applications and study abroad applications. 

but that shouldn't be too big of a deal.

what is going to be a big deal is finding a passion.

there are so many things that i am interested in, there are so many things that i dabble in, there are so many things that i am good at. but i do not excel in that one thing, there is no one thing that i am passionate about and that drives me to do great things. and i need to find that passion and apply it to my life.

i need to be inspired so that i can inspire others.

beginnings

well, here i am.
a blank page to write on.
starting over.

new thoughts, new experiences.

i missed writing.
i miss having an outlet for my musings.

i think i get frustrated by the fact that words will never do justice to the experiences themselves. trying--and failing-- to capture reality is something i am very good at. take photography, for example. i am never satisfied with the photos i take because looking at the real thing is so much better. so that makes me wonder: can reality ever be transposed into a different medium, a medium through which reality can be remembered?

this is going to have to work.
i have so much going for me..
and i can't stand to forget any of it.

stay tuned.